《戴森球計劃》英文翻譯勘誤(四)


3樓貓 發佈時間:2022-09-17 08:02:59 作者:Lykan Language

前情提要: 《戴森球計劃》英文翻譯勘誤(三)
勘誤的標準:語法錯誤,搭配不當,表意不明,中英文內容有出入,typo(拼寫錯誤)偶爾列出但不作為主要內容,並穿插部分可以改進的地方。此外,界面、UI文字建議全部大寫。
今天的內容包括遊戲內部分嚮導文字。
摘抄前兩段:
As civilization continues to develop, the demand for energy will continue to increase in the vast universe. Develop the star's energy becomes an inevitable choice for civilization's development when the energy on the planet can no longer sustain. In 1960, Mr. Freeman Dyson put forward a legendary concept, the Dyson Sphere theory. Dyson Sphere is an imaginary space giant that can surround the entire star and obtain most or all of its energy output.
這幾句話邏輯非常混亂。
第一句想說“隨著文明的發展,能量需求也會增加”,civilization也用了單數,但是“宇宙中”這個定語放在了能量需求後面,修飾了奇怪的成分,又一次靈性地讓整句話不知所云了。這句話的中文也有非常巨大的提升空間,“一個文明隨著它的不斷發展”是在某些蹩腳的、不看稿講話裡才會出現的句子。第二句還有基本的語法錯誤,動詞只有變成動名詞(-ing)才可以充當主語賓語等成分。句子的邏輯也需要微調一下,最好先說“行星不夠”,再說“恆星來湊”。
第二段的第一句過於囉嗦,賓語縮成一個Dyson Sphere就足夠了,非要加修飾的話,最多加一個legendary也可以了。第二句也非常迷,看英文像是從中文的維基百科翻譯過來的,但是戴森球也有英文百科啊,直接引用,甚至微調一下都比這樣蹩腳的兩次翻譯效果要好得多。
另外,戴森球並不是弗里曼·戴森最先提出來的,只是因他的論文而聞名。
修改(借鑑英文百科)後的這兩段話可以是:
As our civilization gathers momentum in its development, the demand for energy keeps skyrocketing. Our planet soon reaches its limit. Naturally, we direct our eyes towards the star. In 1960, Freeman Dyson popularized a concept that would change our path forever - the Dyson Sphere, a hypothetical megastructure that completely encompasses a star and captures a large percentage of its solar power output. [1]
圖片下半部分的文字摘抄:
According to the classification of Kardashev civilization level: First-class civilization can develop and utilize all the resources of the planet on which it inhabits; Secondary civilization can collect the energy of the entire star system and even allow the matter to break the speed limit of light; Third level civilization can master and use all the energy of the entire galaxy. Possessing the ability to build a Dyson sphere indicates that humanity will move towards the Secondary civilization. [2]
這段話跟上面戴森球的定義一樣迷。Kardashev scale是有英文的百科頁面的,前面也有文本把三級文明翻譯成Type III civilization,但這裡還是用了“英文→中文→英文”的奇怪思路,把所有內容都寫得不倫不類。英文百科中很明確地寫了Type I/II/III,這裡居然寫出了First-class、Secondary、Third level三個沒有任何關聯的詞。
另外,這段話跟上一段話似乎沒有什麼關係,剛說完戴森球的定義,突然就跳到了幾級文明的定義。最好的方法是徹底推翻重寫,但如果一定要保留這些內容,建議把最後一句話提前,可以稍微改善一下效果。
修改(借鑑英文百科)後的這幾句話可以是:
Successfully completing a Dyson Sphere will put ourselves in the ranks of Type II civilization, as per the famous Kardashev scale: Type I civilizations can harness all the energy that reaches their home planet from its parent star. Type II civilizations are capable of harnessing the energy radiated by their own star. Type III civilizations are in possession of energy at the scale of their own galaxy.
全部文本摘抄:
Gather Resource Command You can use [Right mouse button] to dick on a ground target to command mecha to there. If the target is a resource, you can order the mecha to gather. Also, for more convenient operation, hold down [SHIFT] + [Right mouse button] to give a series of commands, such as continuously felling trees or moving to the target after felling.
標題這個短語語法錯誤,完全不通。另外Command也是多餘的,要表達這個意思,一個Gathering Resources就足夠了。第一段話的第一句是多餘的。“移動”的方式已經在另一個頁面裡說明了,這裡不需要重複,只要說明“右鍵點擊資源即可採集”就夠了。第二段按住Shift連續操作早在《魔獸爭霸》時代就有了,可以參考的英文文本自然也有很多,沒有必要強行翻譯成這個樣子。最後,一般遊戲說明裡都會只高亮“按鍵”,而不會高亮按下/按住這類“操作”,所以建議取消hold down的高亮。
修改後的這段話可以是:
Gathering Resources [Right Click] on any resource to gather. You can hold down [Shift] and assign a queue of actions to Icarus.
第三期的一點修正:
遊戲操作說明裡也會經常用Right Click說明操作。另外,閱讀了後續文本之後,我發現這裡的Direction keys應該指的是WASD,如果是這樣,那就需要把後面的Arrow Keys替換成W/A/S/D。
今日新知:終於知道這個視頻裡的weal and woe是哪裡來的了。宣傳口在翻譯很多材料時,會把“患難/休慼與共”翻譯成weal and woe。這個翻譯應該是搜到了這個表達沒有多想就用上去了。但這個詞組是嚴格為特定的場合翻譯出來的,脫離了語境(比如在遊戲裡)就是會顯得很奇怪。
大家下期再見~
參考文獻:
[1] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dyson_sphere
[2] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kardashev_scale

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