《戴森球计划》英文翻译勘误(四)


3楼猫 发布时间:2022-09-17 08:02:59 作者:Lykan Language

前情提要: 《戴森球计划》英文翻译勘误(三)
勘误的标准:语法错误,搭配不当,表意不明,中英文内容有出入,typo(拼写错误)偶尔列出但不作为主要内容,并穿插部分可以改进的地方。此外,界面、UI文字建议全部大写。
今天的内容包括游戏内部分向导文字。
摘抄前两段:
As civilization continues to develop, the demand for energy will continue to increase in the vast universe. Develop the star's energy becomes an inevitable choice for civilization's development when the energy on the planet can no longer sustain. In 1960, Mr. Freeman Dyson put forward a legendary concept, the Dyson Sphere theory. Dyson Sphere is an imaginary space giant that can surround the entire star and obtain most or all of its energy output.
这几句话逻辑非常混乱。
第一句想说“随着文明的发展,能量需求也会增加”,civilization也用了单数,但是“宇宙中”这个定语放在了能量需求后面,修饰了奇怪的成分,又一次灵性地让整句话不知所云了。这句话的中文也有非常巨大的提升空间,“一个文明随着它的不断发展”是在某些蹩脚的、不看稿讲话里才会出现的句子。第二句还有基本的语法错误,动词只有变成动名词(-ing)才可以充当主语宾语等成分。句子的逻辑也需要微调一下,最好先说“行星不够”,再说“恒星来凑”。
第二段的第一句过于啰嗦,宾语缩成一个Dyson Sphere就足够了,非要加修饰的话,最多加一个legendary也可以了。第二句也非常迷,看英文像是从中文的维基百科翻译过来的,但是戴森球也有英文百科啊,直接引用,甚至微调一下都比这样蹩脚的两次翻译效果要好得多。
另外,戴森球并不是弗里曼·戴森最先提出来的,只是因他的论文而闻名。
修改(借鉴英文百科)后的这两段话可以是:
As our civilization gathers momentum in its development, the demand for energy keeps skyrocketing. Our planet soon reaches its limit. Naturally, we direct our eyes towards the star. In 1960, Freeman Dyson popularized a concept that would change our path forever - the Dyson Sphere, a hypothetical megastructure that completely encompasses a star and captures a large percentage of its solar power output. [1]
图片下半部分的文字摘抄:
According to the classification of Kardashev civilization level: First-class civilization can develop and utilize all the resources of the planet on which it inhabits; Secondary civilization can collect the energy of the entire star system and even allow the matter to break the speed limit of light; Third level civilization can master and use all the energy of the entire galaxy. Possessing the ability to build a Dyson sphere indicates that humanity will move towards the Secondary civilization. [2]
这段话跟上面戴森球的定义一样迷。Kardashev scale是有英文的百科页面的,前面也有文本把三级文明翻译成Type III civilization,但这里还是用了“英文→中文→英文”的奇怪思路,把所有内容都写得不伦不类。英文百科中很明确地写了Type I/II/III,这里居然写出了First-class、Secondary、Third level三个没有任何关联的词。
另外,这段话跟上一段话似乎没有什么关系,刚说完戴森球的定义,突然就跳到了几级文明的定义。最好的方法是彻底推翻重写,但如果一定要保留这些内容,建议把最后一句话提前,可以稍微改善一下效果。
修改(借鉴英文百科)后的这几句话可以是:
Successfully completing a Dyson Sphere will put ourselves in the ranks of Type II civilization, as per the famous Kardashev scale: Type I civilizations can harness all the energy that reaches their home planet from its parent star. Type II civilizations are capable of harnessing the energy radiated by their own star. Type III civilizations are in possession of energy at the scale of their own galaxy.
全部文本摘抄:
Gather Resource Command You can use [Right mouse button] to dick on a ground target to command mecha to there. If the target is a resource, you can order the mecha to gather. Also, for more convenient operation, hold down [SHIFT] + [Right mouse button] to give a series of commands, such as continuously felling trees or moving to the target after felling.
标题这个短语语法错误,完全不通。另外Command也是多余的,要表达这个意思,一个Gathering Resources就足够了。第一段话的第一句是多余的。“移动”的方式已经在另一个页面里说明了,这里不需要重复,只要说明“右键点击资源即可采集”就够了。第二段按住Shift连续操作早在《魔兽争霸》时代就有了,可以参考的英文文本自然也有很多,没有必要强行翻译成这个样子。最后,一般游戏说明里都会只高亮“按键”,而不会高亮按下/按住这类“操作”,所以建议取消hold down的高亮。
修改后的这段话可以是:
Gathering Resources [Right Click] on any resource to gather. You can hold down [Shift] and assign a queue of actions to Icarus.
第三期的一点修正:
游戏操作说明里也会经常用Right Click说明操作。另外,阅读了后续文本之后,我发现这里的Direction keys应该指的是WASD,如果是这样,那就需要把后面的Arrow Keys替换成W/A/S/D。
今日新知:终于知道这个视频里的weal and woe是哪里来的了。宣传口在翻译很多材料时,会把“患难/休戚与共”翻译成weal and woe。这个翻译应该是搜到了这个表达没有多想就用上去了。但这个词组是严格为特定的场合翻译出来的,脱离了语境(比如在游戏里)就是会显得很奇怪。
大家下期再见~
参考文献:
[1] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dyson_sphere
[2] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kardashev_scale

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