前情提要:點擊跳轉
勘誤的標準:語法錯誤,搭配不當,表意不明,中英文內容有出入,typo(拼寫錯誤)偶爾列出但不作為主要內容,並穿插部分可以改進的地方。此外,界面、UI文字建議全部大寫。
今天的內容包括遊戲內部分嚮導文字。
上半部分摘抄:
Basic Operation Guide Use the [W] [S] [A] [D] direction keys to control the movement of the mecha, or use the [Right mouse button] to click on the destination to send a move command to the mecha. Click the [SPACE] button to make the mecha jump. If the mecha encounters water during its movement, it will automatically enter the drift state. In the drift state, the mecha consumes more energy than moving on land.
標題裡的Guide是多餘的。這篇文字已經是嚮導的一部分了,不需要在每個標題裡都寫明“嚮導”。WASD和direction keys的關係上篇講過:
遊戲操作說明裡也會經常用Right Click說明操作。另外,閱讀了後續文本之後,我發現這裡的Direction keys應該指的是WASD,如果是這樣,那就需要把後面的Arrow Keys替換成W/A/S/D。
Use RMB to click其實就是Right click,可以簡化,後面的描述也可以簡化一點。另外,按鍵要用press,鼠標才是click。鍵盤上的按鍵前面也不需要加the。這幾句話裡所有的按鍵都沒有高亮,下面卻都高亮了,需要統一。
第三段中文的“滑行”跟英文的drift差得有點遠。整段話也都可以重新調整一下英文的結構和思路。能量多消耗多少也建議寫明。
修改後的這幾段話應該是(按鍵是否加括號、高亮需根據實際情況調整):
Basic Operations. Control your mecha's movement with W/A/S/D. You can also Right Click on the destination to direct your mecha. Press SPACE for jumping. Your mecha will automatically switch to Gliding Mode on the water. Gliding consumes more energy.
下半部分摘抄:
After unlocking Drive Engine Level 1, you obtain flying ability. Double-click the [SPACE] key to lift off, and then use the [W[S][A] [D] to control mecha flying at low altitude. The moving speed will increase by 150% with more energy consumed under Flight Mode. During the flight, press the [SPACE] key to increase the flight altitude, press the [ALT] key to decrease the flight altitude or return the mecha to the ground during the flight. After unlocking the Drive Engine Level 2, you obtain the sailing ability. Keep pressing the [Forward key and [SPACE] key in the Flight Mode, and you will enter the Sailing Mode when you reach a certain altitude.
這幾句話整體的問題有:按鍵和操作高亮的情況不統一。
“滑行”、“飛行”和“航行”的中文就已經很迷惑了,英文的sailing更是摸不著頭腦,可以改成advanced flying。這幾個狀態其實並沒有質的區別,機甲都是有動力狀態飛在空中,僅僅是耗能和速度有量的差異,建議重新調整遊戲機制。幾段話裡所謂的“你獲得xx能力”,本質上都是“機甲解鎖xx模式”,英文需要做對應的調整。
此外,第一段裡速度增加值已經說得很精確了,能量消耗增加多少卻沒有明確。第二段兩句話形式完全一樣,可以縮減成一句話。第三段也建議說明一下高度多少時解鎖航行模式。
修改後的這幾段話應該是:
Upon unlocking Drive Engine Level 1, your mecha unlocks Flying Mode. Press SACE twice for vertical taking-off. Control your mecha's movement when flying with W/A/S/D. Your mecha will be flying at a relatively low altitude, with a 150% increase in speed and xxx% increase in energy consumption. During your flight, use SPACE/ALT to increase/decrease your mecha's altitude. You can land your mecha by holding ALT. Upon unlocking Drive Engine Level 2, your mecha unlocks Advanced Flying Mode. Hold W and SPACE during flight and your mecha will automatically enter Advanced Flying Mode when it reaches a certain altitude.
新一批截圖!
其實我截的還有礦場沒有覆蓋到礦脈,以及材料不足的提示,考慮到篇幅僅展示一張圖。
文本摘抄:
One of your production facility is not powered. You need to keep it within the power coverage area and supply it with power facilities in order to maintain its normal works. (提示文字)Collide with other object/Lack of item/Need resources
第一段話還存在基本的語法錯誤。Maintain normal works也是完全不存在、讓人看不懂的搭配。整段話依然需要徹底重構。此外,嚮導和提示中的“電力覆蓋區域”翻譯並不統一,只看英文的話不太明白這裡到底需要幹什麼,建議在文字裡提一下特斯拉塔,更好地引導一下玩家。
純粹從文案/UX優化的角度來說,礦場的三條提示文字完全可以取消,用其他類型的提示取代。放礦場時已經是“建造模式”,即“網格模式”,見勘誤第一篇:
而且本質上,“建造模式”打開之後,只是多了個網格。“上帝視角”和“第三人稱視角”的區別,只是在於鏡頭有沒有跟隨機器人運動。 如果完全由我來決定,我會建議把“建造模式”直接翻成“Grid View”,對應的選項則是Grid View Camera - Free Camera/Lock on Icarus。如果對“上帝視角”這個詞有執念,建議把Grid View改成Creator View。 此外,菜單裡的“建造模式”是Building,到遊戲裡又成了Construct,不過對比一下,這個就只是小問題了。
完全可以把礦脈的範圍和已有礦場的覆蓋範圍明確地展示在網格上,這樣玩家就會知道礦場要怎麼覆蓋以及哪裡不能擺。
材料不足的提示也完全可以通過屏幕下方礦場的圖標來展示,比如材料不足時顯示灰色,並且鼠標懸停時出現文字“Insufficient Resources”。
參照上面的建議,提示文字可以改寫為:
One of your production facilities is not powered! Build Tesla Towers and keep your facilities within these Towers' range.
文字摘抄:
You have done building the first power transmission facility Tesla tower. It can carry out short-distance wireless power transmission and expand the power supply area of the power grid. Click on it to view the current power grid information.
低級語法錯誤跳過不提。第一句first前的冠詞應該是your,如果用了the就成了史上第一了。第二句是《中式英語之鑑》中出現過的典型錯誤:名詞冗餘。英文的carry out short distance wireless power transmission太囉嗦了,carry out這類比較“虛”的動詞完全可以換成“實”一點的動詞,比如transmission對應的transmit。第三句說的是“電網信息”,其實更多的是當前特斯拉塔的詳細信息。
修改過後的這段話應該是:
You just built your first Tesla Tower! Tesla Towers transmit electricity wirelessly over a short distance. They expand your power generation facilities' reach. Click on any Tesla Tower for its detailed information.
結尾依舊是Neverknowsbest的視頻節選:
下一篇應該全部是電力方面的了!