《戴森球计划》英文翻译勘误(五)


3楼猫 发布时间:2022-09-25 11:05:41 作者:Lykan Language

前情提要:点击跳转
勘误的标准:语法错误,搭配不当,表意不明,中英文内容有出入,typo(拼写错误)偶尔列出但不作为主要内容,并穿插部分可以改进的地方。此外,界面、UI文字建议全部大写。
今天的内容包括游戏内部分向导文字。
上半部分摘抄:
Basic Operation Guide Use the [W] [S] [A] [D] direction keys to control the movement of the mecha, or use the [Right mouse button] to click on the destination to send a move command to the mecha. Click the [SPACE] button to make the mecha jump. If the mecha encounters water during its movement, it will automatically enter the drift state. In the drift state, the mecha consumes more energy than moving on land.
标题里的Guide是多余的。这篇文字已经是向导的一部分了,不需要在每个标题里都写明“向导”。WASD和direction keys的关系上篇讲过:
游戏操作说明里也会经常用Right Click说明操作。另外,阅读了后续文本之后,我发现这里的Direction keys应该指的是WASD,如果是这样,那就需要把后面的Arrow Keys替换成W/A/S/D。
Use RMB to click其实就是Right click,可以简化,后面的描述也可以简化一点。另外,按键要用press,鼠标才是click。键盘上的按键前面也不需要加the。这几句话里所有的按键都没有高亮,下面却都高亮了,需要统一。
第三段中文的“滑行”跟英文的drift差得有点远。整段话也都可以重新调整一下英文的结构和思路。能量多消耗多少也建议写明。
修改后的这几段话应该是(按键是否加括号、高亮需根据实际情况调整):
Basic Operations. Control your mecha's movement with W/A/S/D. You can also Right Click on the destination to direct your mecha. Press SPACE for jumping. Your mecha will automatically switch to Gliding Mode on the water. Gliding consumes more energy.
下半部分摘抄:
After unlocking Drive Engine Level 1, you obtain flying ability. Double-click the [SPACE] key to lift off, and then use the [W[S][A] [D] to control mecha flying at low altitude. The moving speed will increase by 150% with more energy consumed under Flight Mode. During the flight, press the [SPACE] key to increase the flight altitude, press the [ALT] key to decrease the flight altitude or return the mecha to the ground during the flight. After unlocking the Drive Engine Level 2, you obtain the sailing ability. Keep pressing the [Forward key and [SPACE] key in the Flight Mode, and you will enter the Sailing Mode when you reach a certain altitude.
这几句话整体的问题有:按键和操作高亮的情况不统一。
“滑行”、“飞行”和“航行”的中文就已经很迷惑了,英文的sailing更是摸不着头脑,可以改成advanced flying。这几个状态其实并没有质的区别,机甲都是有动力状态飞在空中,仅仅是耗能和速度有量的差异,建议重新调整游戏机制。几段话里所谓的“你获得xx能力”,本质上都是“机甲解锁xx模式”,英文需要做对应的调整。
此外,第一段里速度增加值已经说得很精确了,能量消耗增加多少却没有明确。第二段两句话形式完全一样,可以缩减成一句话。第三段也建议说明一下高度多少时解锁航行模式。
修改后的这几段话应该是:
Upon unlocking Drive Engine Level 1, your mecha unlocks Flying Mode. Press SACE twice for vertical taking-off. Control your mecha's movement when flying with W/A/S/D. Your mecha will be flying at a relatively low altitude, with a 150% increase in speed and xxx% increase in energy consumption. During your flight, use SPACE/ALT to increase/decrease your mecha's altitude. You can land your mecha by holding ALT. Upon unlocking Drive Engine Level 2, your mecha unlocks Advanced Flying Mode. Hold W and SPACE during flight and your mecha will automatically enter Advanced Flying Mode when it reaches a certain altitude.
新一批截图!
其实我截的还有矿场没有覆盖到矿脉,以及材料不足的提示,考虑到篇幅仅展示一张图。
文本摘抄:
One of your production facility is not powered. You need to keep it within the power coverage area and supply it with power facilities in order to maintain its normal works. (提示文字)Collide with other object/Lack of item/Need resources
第一段话还存在基本的语法错误。Maintain normal works也是完全不存在、让人看不懂的搭配。整段话依然需要彻底重构。此外,向导和提示中的“电力覆盖区域”翻译并不统一,只看英文的话不太明白这里到底需要干什么,建议在文字里提一下特斯拉塔,更好地引导一下玩家。
纯粹从文案/UX优化的角度来说,矿场的三条提示文字完全可以取消,用其他类型的提示取代。放矿场时已经是“建造模式”,即“网格模式”,见勘误第一篇
而且本质上,“建造模式”打开之后,只是多了个网格。“上帝视角”和“第三人称视角”的区别,只是在于镜头有没有跟随机器人运动。 如果完全由我来决定,我会建议把“建造模式”直接翻成“Grid View”,对应的选项则是Grid View Camera - Free Camera/Lock on Icarus。如果对“上帝视角”这个词有执念,建议把Grid View改成Creator View。 此外,菜单里的“建造模式”是Building,到游戏里又成了Construct,不过对比一下,这个就只是小问题了。
完全可以把矿脉的范围和已有矿场的覆盖范围明确地展示在网格上,这样玩家就会知道矿场要怎么覆盖以及哪里不能摆。
材料不足的提示也完全可以通过屏幕下方矿场的图标来展示,比如材料不足时显示灰色,并且鼠标悬停时出现文字“Insufficient Resources”。
参照上面的建议,提示文字可以改写为:
One of your production facilities is not powered! Build Tesla Towers and keep your facilities within these Towers' range.
文字摘抄:
You have done building the first power transmission facility Tesla tower. It can carry out short-distance wireless power transmission and expand the power supply area of the power grid. Click on it to view the current power grid information.
低级语法错误跳过不提。第一句first前的冠词应该是your,如果用了the就成了史上第一了。第二句是《中式英语之鉴》中出现过的典型错误:名词冗余。英文的carry out short distance wireless power transmission太啰嗦了,carry out这类比较“虚”的动词完全可以换成“实”一点的动词,比如transmission对应的transmit。第三句说的是“电网信息”,其实更多的是当前特斯拉塔的详细信息。
修改过后的这段话应该是:
You just built your first Tesla Tower! Tesla Towers transmit electricity wirelessly over a short distance. They expand your power generation facilities' reach. Click on any Tesla Tower for its detailed information.
结尾依旧是Neverknowsbest的视频节选:
下一篇应该全部是电力方面的了!



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