《戴森球計劃》英文翻譯勘誤(三)


3樓貓 發佈時間:2022-09-10 16:34:35 作者:Lykan Language

前情提要:點擊跳轉
勘誤的標準:語法錯誤,搭配不當,表意不明,中英文內容有出入,typo(拼寫錯誤)偶爾列出但不作為主要內容,並穿插部分可以改進的地方。此外,界面、UI文字建議全部大寫。
話不多說,今天繼續,內容包括遊戲內部分嚮導文字。
摘抄:
This is Icarus, a lightweight industrial mecha with powerful functionality. You can use the [Direction keys] or [Right-click] on the destination to control its movement. In this mission, you will manipulate Icarus to travel beyond the stars and create miracles.
第一句的錯誤很典型,中文的“功能強大”對應到英文,一個powerful就夠了,functionality是多餘的。同樣,類似語境下的powerful翻譯成中文時,最好也補充說明一下是什麼強大。第二句的改進思路也類似,中文的“控制移動”對應到英文,一個movements就夠了。
此外,方向鍵一般是Arrow Keys,很少有用Direction keys的。鼠標右鍵則應該是名詞Right Moust Button或是縮寫RMB,而不應該寫成動詞Right-click。最後一句則有點飄忽不定,mission一般指很小的任務,比如RPG裡幫NPC送東西那種級別的,但結尾的beyond the stars and create miracles又很宏大。如果要準確表達中文希望表達的意思,最好把最後一句徹底重構。
修改之後的這段話應該是:
This is Icarus, a powerful, lightweight industrial mecha. Use [Arrow Keys] or [RMB] for its movements. Icarus will be your trusted companion throughout this miraculous journey beyond the stars.
內容很密集的一張圖,我們一段一段看。
In the future, human beings enter the ranks of advanced civilizations, and the power of science and technology brings rapid development. People use virtual reality to iterate space and time, create a virtual universe much larger than the real world, and gradually transfer human consciousness to the virtual universe.
第一句話又過於直譯了。首先,中文“人類進入/邁入高級文明”似乎還能理解,英文則根本不通,因為human being是物種,advanced civilization則是一個標準、概念。後半句的and也完全可以去掉。
第二句的中文“迭代”和英文iterate都是在亂寫,虛擬現實只是製造了另一個類似的時空,而並沒有對現實的時空進行“迭代”。即使接受這個設定,虛擬現實也是“迭代時空”的產物,而不是手段。第二句後半句又萌萌地指代不明瞭,意思也變成了“用虛擬現實(做工具)逐漸轉移意識”。
修改後的這段話應該是:
Future (or Year XXXX), as we evolve into an advanced civilization, science and technologies fuel rapid development. We create space and time parallel to our own, a virtual universe much bigger than the actual one, and gradually transfer our consciousnesses into this universe.
第二段話:
The operation of the virtual world requires supercomputing power. For this reason, human beings circle the sun and create a supercomputer, the CentreBrain, hoping to use its powerful computing power to expand the virtual home. The computing power of the CentreBrain gradually reaches its limit because the number of consciousness continues to grow. If want to accommodate more consciousness, it needs more energy supply. So, the COSMO launched an engineering project code-named Dyson Sphere Program, sending engineers to the real world to build the Dyson sphere to provide continuous and stable energy for the CentreBrain. As a member of COSMO and the pioneer of the Dyson Sphere Program, you will control the mecha on an unknown journey by using the terminal. You need gather resources, plan and design production lines, gradually realize full automation, starting from scratch. And transform your factory from a small workshop, developing into a magnificent inter-galactic industrial empire, and finally built a great miracle, the Dyson Sphere.
第一句裡中文“強大的計算能力”翻成supercomputing power不太妥當,因為現在人類已經有supercomputing power了,實際需要的是更加強大的算力。如果要修改的話,可以玩一個小文字遊戲,用astronomical來形容大量的算力。第二句的circle表示繞圈的動作,而“繞圈”建造最好用around。同樣,supercomputer最好也換個說法,因為現在就已經有supercomputer了,更強大的計算機需要更新的詞彙。從準確性的角度考慮,第三句的because最好換成as。另外英文的前半句是多餘的,“主腦”到達極限就夠了,大家肯定知道是算力到極限了。第四句看不明白,可能翻譯還沒睡醒。條件狀語從句沒有主語,後半句more energy就夠了,supply是多餘的。
第五句(第一個COSMO)的前半部分完全是多餘的,只要說launches the Dyson Sphere Program就夠了,後面的解釋完全可以表達清楚“工程項目”這個意思。後半句的energy後面又是最需要加supply的,這裡又給漏掉了。第六句(第二個COSMO)前半句又一次出現,不多說了。後半句還是不知所云。中文的“控制機甲踏上旅程”,英文把“踏上”丟掉了,然後又用一個靈性的by把整個句子弄得不倫不類(亂用by的惡果詳見結尾視頻)。
第七句的翻譯似乎又睡著了。首先是need後面的to丟掉了,實現自動化也不能機械地翻成“realize full automation”,而且都實現自動化了,為什麼後面又要starting from scratch?第八句(最後一句)也是莫名其妙,連主語都沒有,開頭一個And是跟哪裡連接的?如果要用transform sth. into sth.就老老實實地用這個詞組,不要用到一半覺得意思不夠強行插入一個developing,這樣不但不倫不類,句子也會讓人看得莫名其妙。此外,跨星系和戴森球的先後順序是怎樣的?先戴森球,後跨星系嗎?最後,專有名詞“主腦”為什麼用了英式拼寫Centre?其他單詞可都是用的美式拼寫。
修改後的這段話應該是:
This virtual universe runs on astronomical computing power. Thus, we human beings build an ultra-supercomputer around the sun, the CentreBrain, to further expand the horizon of this virtual universe. However, even the CentreBrain soon reaches its limit for want of more energy. To accommodate more consciousnesses in the CentreBrain, COSMO launched the Dyson Sphere Program, sending engineers to outer space, and building Dyson Spheres as constant energy sources for the CentreBrain. As a member of COSMO and a pioneer of the Dyson Sphere Program, you will be navigating your mecha with your terminal into unchartered territory. Starting from scratch, you will be harnessing resources, building production lines, and achieving full automation, turning your workshop into an intergalactic industrial empire, a magnificent miracle, a Dyson Sphere.
本期最後一段!摘抄:
Builders of great civilizations! In this process, you are bound to encounter many difficulties. After all, the universe is so large that anything can happen. However, your creativity and imagination will help you accomplish this great goal. The entire cluster will become the cornerstone of human civilization under your plan.
開頭結尾一起看。結尾說你建造的戴森球只是人類文明的基石,那你怎麼成為開頭建造great civilizations的人呢?後面的內容實在太像英語考試作文了,可以少用一些明顯的轉折詞,試著把邏輯關係隱藏在句子裡。似乎最好的修改方法,就是提取一點點核心理念(鼓勵玩家),然後徹底重寫這段。
修改後的這段話可以是:
Engineer of the highest order! In our vast universe, your journey will not be without hurdles. Let your creativity and imagination be your guide. Transform the galaxy into a cornerstone for our civilization under your supervision.
這期勘誤就到這裡了。沒想到這期又出現了一個靈性的by攪亂整個句子的情況,就像NeverKnowsBest這段視頻裡說的一樣:
壞消息:第一批截圖可能還要兩三期才能寫完。
大家下期再見!

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